Mindful masturbation is the practice of self-pleasure while practicing mindfulness – intentionally focusing on the sensations you experience in the moment, drawing your focus into your body and senses1. Masturbation to sleep, relax, or relieve sexual tension is lovely, but it can be so much more! Mindful masturbation can be a gateway not just to better pleasure and more powerful orgasms but to radical self-love and confidence in your physical and sexual being.
Mindful masturbation seeks:
Your chosen space should be somewhere comfortable for your body and mind5. A bed is a great choice. If you’re a more visual person and the thought of masturbating in front of a mirror is intriguing, put down a soft blanket and pillows. You may feel the urge to moan or make noise as you masturbate, so having an environment in which you feel comfortable can be helpful – the goal is to be uninhibited by your surroundings, whether physical, interpersonal, or mental. Think about temperature as well – you might want a heater or comfy clothes if you won’t be under covers.
Often, we carry the stress of our day and inhibitions of daily life with us and into sessions of self love. Minimizing stressors and emptying your mind of the day’s events as much as possible before beginning is helpful6. This may look different for different people – here are some ideas:
You might also want to put on some music to get you in the mood – anything from Chopin to singing bowls to sexy slow jams and everything in between is great! Whatever puts your mind in a sexy mood.
Set aside a block of time when you’ll have no other obligations or things to take care of; half an hour can be a great starting point.
SLOW. DOWN.
The core of mindful masturbation is to tune in and be present to how different physical sensations and thoughts make you feel while you’re getting off. When you move quickly it becomes hard or impossible to focus on the tiny nuances you can experience. Move slowly and attentively5, 7.
A great place to start is with a body scan – get naked, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and relax. Bring awareness to your body, slowly scanning from the tip of your head to your toes. What sensations do you notice? Do you feel the pressure of your body on the bed or floor? Is there anywhere that aches or itches? Are you holding tension in your neck, your shoulders, your jaw, your core? These aren’t bad things; pain, tension, or sensations you may not be able to name are natural and okay. Notice the feeling of your chest expanding as you breathe; feel your heartbeat gently rocking your chest. If you find a sensation curious, dwell on it for a few moments before moving elsewhere in your body. Be open and forgiving with your body as you take it in, especially if this is the first time you’ve tried something like this! It’s also alright if you find your mind drifting to other worries or concerns – gently guide your focus back to your body until you’ve examined everything you want to8.
It can be helpful to start your touch with a slow self massage which will help you relax and engage with your body. Use a similar sort of attention as the body scan to guide your touch. Use different types of touch in different places. For example, you may try firm finger work to release tight shoulders or scalp muscles; soft tickles across your chest; gentle scratches or pinches on inner thighs; gliding pressure across your belly. These are just suggestions – touch where and how feels pleasant and interesting to you. You can also explore more unusual touch such as using a vibrator to make deep vibrations through your chest or scalp9. Remember to stay in tune with what you’re feeling; be patient with your feelings and soak in the sensations.
Slowly let your hands move to more sexual areas. No two people’s erogenous zones are the same so let your touch wander.
Be playful with yourself! Rather than moving right to your typical method for masturbation, bring your attention to the sensation of different kinds of touch. For example, instead of touching your clit, try massaging your labia or pubic bone; instead of going for your G-spot, try playing with your perineum or the back wall of your vagina. If you have a penis, try massaging around the base of your shaft or perineum. Switching things up makes room for new sensations9.
When you’re touching yourself, continue to experiment with types and ways of contact10 – try stroking, tapping, kneading, deep pressure, tickling, or even spanking. Even if a touch doesn’t immediately feel pleasurable, keep your mind on the feeling of your skin and the way the touch feels. You can also try switching things up by using your non-dominant hand7 or both hands, or doing familiar motions but far more slowly than usual.
Remember to keep your breathing deep and regular, and very importantly feel free to make noise! You might feel the urge to moan or be breathy when you’re doing self massage – lean into it! Society can make moaning or noise into a shameful thing but it’s a beautiful way to express pleasure. Don’t feel constrained by problematic gender norms either: if you identify as more feminine, it’s okay to growl and grunt; if you identify as masculine it’s okay to mewl or coo. Let go of society’s inhibitions and feel every bit of your delicious pleasure!
As continually mentioned, the goal is to experience pleasure: be present for the sensations your body gives you. Try to make your goal feeling good, not having an orgasm. Look for the pleasure in what you’re doing; even if a motion doesn’t seem to be immediately lovely, observe the sensation and how your body reacts to it.
Shame about the physical appearance of our bodies can be a powerful negative force. Try to take your body as it is; thank it for its ability to feel pleasure and for being an amazing, intricate vessel for your mind and soul. If positive body image is something you struggle with, verbal affirmations before or during your masturbation time can be powerful. Masturbation while watching yourself in a mirror can also be a radical act of presence with your physical self.
If you feel drawn into a certain headspace or mood as you masturbate, embrace it! Sometimes you might feel small, submissive, and gentle; other times you might feel strong, powerful, and dominant. You may even enjoy repeating a mantra as you masturbate such as “I’m so strong,” “My body is beautiful,” or “I’m delicious!”
Fantasies can be very powerful during masturbation as well. While mindful masturbation is primarily about being present in your own body, fantasies are still wonderful and you should indulge in them! Give yourself permission for the inside of your head to be a safe garden just for you; your fantasies are yours and yours alone. Fantasies about past lovers are normal and even healthy11. Don’t let your fantasies get tangled up with shame because of societal, religious, or family reasons – let your mind go where it wants to. Your body will thank you for it!
Orgasms themselves are not necessarily the exclusive goal of mindful masturbation. That being said, orgasms during mindful masturbation are often more powerful and longer than during typical masturbation3. If you do orgasm, let it wash over you and indulge in it like a delicious dessert! Take your time and give yourself permission to feel and be present for every last moment of it. You can also experiment with new ways of orgasming: if you usually hold your breath as you cum, try breathing deeply as it washes over you. If you usually tense up, try relaxing into it. If you usually stay relaxed, try engaging your core or legs as you begin to cum.
Give yourself conscious permission to let your body go wild! Moaning, screaming, and even crying or having trouble speaking are okay and exciting expressions of pleasure! Listen to your body and do what it wants you to do even if it’s not something you typically do. Mindful masturbation can produce powerful pleasure and experiencing it how your body wants to is important.
Aftercare for yourself is also important! Society often deems an orgasm the end of a sexual experience but it doesn’t have to be during mindful masturbation. Softly examine what you and your body are asking for after an orgasm. There is no “normal”. You might feel at peace, calm or even sleepy; you might be energized and aware or you might want to sit with your emotions or even have a good cry. Let your emotions flow out if they need to. Maybe your body is asking for more pleasure! Even if you don’t typically have multiple orgasms, you can still keep giving yourself pleasure with massage, more genital stimulation, or even just reveling in the feeling of soft blankets and pillows on your skin. You’ll grow more attuned with your body as you practice this mindfulness.
For most people, everything you need to have amazing mindful self-love is built into your own body! Fingers are a great, sense-filled tool to explore yourself with. However, some people may have unique anatomical or physical needs, or are ready to experiment with new methods of pleasure, and that can be a great time for sex toys to help. Since toys are not the main focus of mindful masturbation, they’ve got their own page.
Mindful masturbation and meaningful self-pleasure are experiments, and sometimes experiments don’t go exactly right. Engaging deeply with yourself and your body can lead to the surfacing of various kinds of trauma. Sometimes embodiment and mindfulness can help move through these; other times some professional help may be needed. Don’t push into mindfulness if you’re in a place where it’s harmful to you. Seek some help and return to the practice if and when it’s a healthy endeavor for you.
Self-image and body issues, imposed by society or ourselves, can also rear their head when we focus intimately on our physical self. There are a variety of ways to grow a love for your body, including using mindful masturbation to help you internalize how wonderful your body is and how fantastic it can make you feel. However, there are also avenues ranging from self affirmation and personal gratitude practices to therapy or counseling that can help build self-love.
Some may find it difficult to sexually stimulate their body at all. This can stem from a wide range of causes but is almost certainly not as uncommon or strange as you may think it is. Researching online or speaking with a sex therapist can help you feel less alone and provide ideas and steps for how to work on and through this challenge, if you desire. Mindful masturbation might also be helpful if it’s not something you’ve attempted before, although your mileage may vary and working with someone you trust is most likely to be a helpful way forward. Most importantly, you are not broken – all humans have to walk a unique path to pleasure.
Physical disabilities can cause difficulty with masturbation for a variety of reasons. Advocacy and support groups may be able to provide information and tips on masturbation relevant to different situations; toys and body supports of different kinds may help as well. As an alternative, mindful masturbation or sexual massage can also be possible with a receptive partner or sex worker as alternative options.
In some cases, a partner might express emotions ranging from curiosity to concern about an exercise like mindful masturbation. Hopefully you can remind your partner that masturbation is normal and healthy. In some cases, it may help to remind them that being in touch with your own body and desires can make you a more full sexual being, including in sexual activities with them. You may even want to invite your partner to read this information and perhaps try mindful masturbation for themselves!
Masturbation and sexuality are wonderful things, and mindful masturbation can help you be in touch with the fullness of sexuality and pleasure your body can provide you. This guide is only a starting point; lifelong learning and education is important! Ask good questions, find your own answers, and most importantly, may you have bountiful and delicious sexual pleasure alone, with others, and always!
Mindfulness Training as a Clinical Intervention: A Conceptual and Empirical Review (Ruth A. Baer) ↩
Masturbation meditation works. Here’s the proof. (Jess Joho/Mashable) ↩
Lioness orgasm duration data as found in Mindful Sex (Jess Joho/Mashable) ↩ ↩2
Self Healing Through Mindful Masturbation (Kait Scalisi/Blood and Milk) ↩
13 Masturbation Tips for a Mind-Blowing Solo Session (Marie Gartee and Rachael Schultz/Shape) ↩
How I Taught Myself Mindful Masturbation—and Why You Should Too (Rea Frey/Shape) ↩ ↩2
Mindful Masturbation - Why Developing Your Own Erotic Practice is Important (Tanya Koens/Surry Hills Therapy) ↩
The Mindfulness Trend Has Officially Hit Masturbation (Eric Spitznagel/Australian Men’s Health) ↩
